Funny joke of the day

[chahat]

Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was playing with a wall clock when I visited.

Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at the clock blankly, then brightened.

"It’s time for you to go", he answered triumphantly.



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- Chahat

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[chahat]

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.



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- Chahat

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[chahat]

An elderly Punjabi admitted to the intensive care department of a hospital requested that he has taken lessons in French. The doctor was puzzled and asked him why?

Well, French is the language of heaven, he sighed. I want to be able to communicate with everyone in heaven if I die.

Patient and doctor

But how are you so sure that you will end up in heaven? You might go to hell. What good will French do you then? asked the doctor.

That will no problem. I am fluent in Punjabi.

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- Chahat

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[chahat]

Important things to a man....

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

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- Chahat

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[chahat]

A little buny walks into a hardwarestore and asks the clerk ofr some ice cream The clerk says, This is a hardwarestore, we don't sell ice cream.

The next day, the bunny walks into the Store againd and asks for ice cream. The Clerk answers What the hell is your problem it old you yesterday that we don't have any ice cream.
The next day, the bunny walks into the Store again. He asks the clerk for ice cream.which responds For Crists sake i don't have ice cream don't you get it next time you com in here asktind for Ice cream I'll nail you to the Wall.

The Next day the bunny returns asking for ice cream, so the clerk nails him to the Wall. As the bunny is hangig there he turns to a Jesuscross hangig next to him and asks: did you want ice cream too?

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- Chahat

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[chahat]

Max, a lonely widow, was walking home along Broadway wishing something wonderful would happen into his life when he passed a Pet Store and heard a squawking voice shouting at him: "Hey, you, Mister, why don't you come in and buy me?" Max rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it. The proprietor sprang out of the door and grabbed Max by the sleeve.
"Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Max stood in front of an African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "You speak English?" The parrot answered: "What did you think, Chinese?"

In a matter of moments, Max had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot, talking about his lonely life. The Parrot told him how lonely it was to live in a cage. They became good friends.

Next morning, Max, before he ate his breakfast, read aloud a page from the Bible. The parrot demanded to know what he was doing and when Max explained, the parrot wanted also to read a page from the Bible. So Max went out and ordered a miniature Bible for the parrot.

On Sunday, Max went to his church and demanded that the parrot could come in and pray to. The Minister refused, saying a church was no place for a parrot. But Max insisted, saying that the parrot would pray out aloud, since he was a talking parrot. He would also sing hymns.

None of the worshippers believed Max, and they bet Max at even odds that the parrot could not say his prayers nor sing a hymn. Thousands of dollars were bet. During the services, the parrot perched on Max's shoulder and did not open his mouth. He neither prayed nor sang hymns. After the services were concluded, Max found that he owed his buddies over four thousand dollars.

He paid. He marched home, pissed off, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the church the bird began to recite the 23 psalm. Max stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? Haven't I been good to you? Is this how you repay me?"

"Don't be a fool," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds next Sunday when you take me to church".

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

Boss said to an employee: Do you believe in life after Death?

Employee: Certainly not! There’s no proof of it, he replied.

Boss: Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, He came here looking for you.!!!

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- Chahat

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[chahat]

The subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what
that means after you finish taking the "test".
>
>
w... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.
not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..
>
u do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using
ur mind.
>
>
u'll be surprised.
>
>
art:
w much is:15 + 6
>
>
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> 3 + 56
>
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> 89 + 2
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>12 + 53
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>75 + 26
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> 25 + 52
>

>
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>

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> 63 + 32
>
>
>

>
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>
know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..
me on, one more...
>
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> 123 + 5
>
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> QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!
>
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>Scroll further to the bottom...
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>A bit more...
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> You just thought about a red hammer, didn't you?
>
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>
>
>If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a
>different, if not abnormal, mind.
>
>
>
>98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never
study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans
for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't
followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want
to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them
and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in
San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are
"unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male
repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their
business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing
article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in
the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.

Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance
cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never
study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans
for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank
robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't
followed:

1. Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead
of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no
longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want
to be too familiar with the bank. A California robber ran into his
mother while making his getaway. She turned him in.

2. Approach the right teller. Granted, Clark says, this is harder to
plan. One teller in Springfield, Mass., followed the holdup man out of
the bank and down the street until she saw him go into a restaurant. She
hailed a passing police car, and the police picked him up. Another
teller was given a holdup note by a robber, and her father, who was next
in line, wrestled the man to the ground and sat on him until authorities
arrived.

3. Don't sign your demand note. Demand notes have been written on the
back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh, on
an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit, and in
East Hartford, Conn., on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the
robber's signature and account number.

4. Beware of dangerous vegetables. A man in White Plains, N.Y., tried
to hold up a bank with a zucchini. The police captured him at his house,
where he showed them his "weapon."

5. Avoid being fussy. A robber in Panorama City, Cal., gave a teller a
note saying, "I have a gun. Give me all your twenties in this envelope."
The teller said, "All I've got is two twenties." The robber took them
and left.

6. Don't advertise. A holdup man thought that if he smeared mercury
ointment on his face, it would make him invisible to the cameras.
Actually, it accentuated his features, giving authorities a much clearer
picture. Bank robbers in Minnesota and California tried to create a
diversion by throwing stolen money out of the windows of their cars.
They succeeded only in drawing attention to themselves.

7. Take right turns only. Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida
who took a wrong turn and ended up on the Homestead Air Force Base. They
drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a
tollbooth, offered the security men money.

8. Provide your own transportation. It is not clever to borrow the
teller's car, which she carefully described to police. This resulted in
the most quickly solved bank robbery in the history of Pittsfield, Mass.

9. Don't be too sensitive. In these days of exploding dye packs,
stuffing the cash into your pants can lead to embarrassing stains, Clark
points out,not to mention severe burns in sensitive places--as bandits in
San Diego and Boston painfully discovered.

10. Consider another line of work. One nervous Newport, R.I., robber,
while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot
himself in the head and died instantly. Then there was the case of the
hopeful criminal in Swansea, Mass., who, when the teller told him she had
no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his

graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not
leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in

the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of
the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in

hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, Daddy fell into the well last week

Teachet and student

My goodness! the teacher exclaimed. Is he all right?

He must be, said the boy. He stopped yelling for help from yesterday.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

There once were four guys.
One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.


A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

Raat ka time jab Munna aur Chinkie apnay bed room mien so rahay thay to phone ki ghanti baji.

Voice: Aray doctor sahab jaldi aayeay! Meray betay nay blade kha liya hai.

Munna abhi jaanay k liye tayyar hi hota k dobara phone aata hai.

Voice: Doctor Sahab! Aab aanay ki koi zaroorat nahi, meray husband ko shave k liye doosra blade mil gaya hai.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks.

The horse asks, "What are you staring at?

Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?"

The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

----------
- Chahat

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[chahat]

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

----------
- Chahat

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[*PaRi*]

lmfao.!! people these dayyzz.

[bharath2080]

It's a nice one.
Thanksssssssssssssss a lot Chahat.

[L]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!"
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."he agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun was loaded with false bullets" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair!!"


MORAL: Women are extremely determined. Don't mess with them!!!

[L]

Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,
Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap hospital le gaye,
Doctor bola - aap baap banne wale ho
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap bole - Mai iska baap nahi !
Phir ladki se pucha
Ladki boli - yehi baap hai.
Aapko aur TENSION.

Phir police ayi
Aapka medical check up hua.
Report aayi.
Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.
Aapko aur TENSION !!

Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !

Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bacchey hai
Wo kiske hai...?????? ??

Aapko Phir TENSION !!!!!!

[paKikudi14]

lolll ^ tension hi tension 8-[

[*funkar*]

Ladki ne aapse lift mangi,
Raste mein uski tabiat kaharab ho gai.
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap hospital le gaye,
Doctor bola - aap baap banne wale ho
Aapko TENSION !!

Aap bole - Mai iska baap nahi !
Phir ladki se pucha
Ladki boli - yehi baap hai.
Aapko aur TENSION.

Phir police ayi
Aapka medical check up hua.
Report aayi.
Aap to kabhi baap hi nahi ban sakte.
Aapko aur TENSION !!

Aap ne khuda ka shukar ada kiya aur aap Khushi Khushi ghar gaye !

Aur phir socha Ki ghar pe jo bacchey hai
Wo kiske hai...?????? ??

Aapko Phir TENSION !!!!!!





:rolleyes: Perfect timing ^ ^^^^ Situation to get Tension :p
and Proud to be Boss of Orphanege......:Dkeep
it up..............
t.f.s. :cool:..lol...:p