Torn about the future... help please!

[~*Radha*~]

Hey guys... im really torn on this issue concerning my long term boyfriend of 4 years. I was wondering if you all could please offer me any advice since i really am clueless as to what to do.
First of all, i had been in a very happy relationship with him for the past 4 years... he loves and cares for me so incredibly much and i love him as well. However, he was my first boyfriend and i was his first girlfriend. For the past 6 months of so i had been having doubts as to whether he is the one for me. I really didn't even remember what it felt like to be single anymore. I felt like if i did end up marrying this guy, i would always have this doubt as to whether or not he was the perfect guy for me since i hadn't seen or met any other guys really. Lately, this doubt had been preoccupying my mind and i saw that it started to have an effect on my relationship as a whole. Sadly, I just broke up with him less than a week ago since i felt cruel to stay in this relationship with these doubts in my mind. He completely understood my point of view and we decided to still talk and be best friends. We made it clear that it is still possible to get back together in the future.
Now the question is: did i do the right thing? i feel rather stupid for leaving a perfectly good relationship with an amazing guy that i love and cherish. however, i also felt like if i didn't relieve myself of this doubt, it would eventually ruin the relationship anyways. We both do still love and care for each other despite the break up.
After breaking up with him, i feel so sad at times and get so tempted to just call him and get back together with him... however i feel like the doubt would eventually just come up again. Im so torn, i don't know what to do.:confused: please feel free to offer me any advice you think is appropriate! thanks!

[Devilz Angel]

ok im horrible at advice, but idk i think u shuld give it sum time n if u really keep on missin ur ex den go back 2 him...cuz if u dnt wait ur gnna still have dat doubt...so rather den havin dat doubt..wait arnd for another guy n if he nvr cums ur gnna realize its ur ex dats ur true love. i mean u did wanna kno how it felt 2 b single n if der was another guy out der dat maybe was ur true love, but maybe ur ex is ur true love, its just dat ur so used 2 seeing him n being arnd him u wanna be arnd sum1 new n see if u can fall for another dude..but i honeslty think a 4 yr realatonship isnt made over nuthin...u guys must b meant 2 b 2 make it last dat long. especially wid guys these days..i mean dey r walkin whores...ur ex seems like a really nice guy 2 understand u so well 2...another guy wuld have thrown a tantrum if he heard his girl wasnt sure abt a 4 yr relationship.

its a matter of time. either u keep waitin for a anoter guy 2 cum in da pic n if he nvr cums ur gnna get screwed up in da end cuz mayb it might b a little 2 late 2 go back 2 ur ex...so make sure wat u do...dnt loose or hurt da one dat loves. =]
gud luck man!

[•Amrita•]

Doubts are the worst to have in any r/s, but I think its good that u were honest with him atleast. I think the only thing you really need to time apart, but sometimes when we have a good thing in front of us, we tend not to see it, so make sure u do realise that. No one is going to be exactly like him, and if you're only concern is that u haven't seen all the fisheys (guys) in the sea, well the truth is, ur lucky that u get to share everything with him, and vice versa u are also his first... sometimes the second time around, u are reminded of ur first.

But if it's really eating away at u, then maybe u need some space, to realise how important he is in ur life.

[candy~ice]

sometimes you dont want to see the other fish!! TRUST me! other fish can be mean and nasty lol..na seriously, I think it was normal to feel the way you did and you did do the right thing...time apart will show you how you really feel and you may end up realising that he is, in fact the ONE...give it a little while...Im sure things will fall into place..(I dunno if anything I said helps or made sense..but good luck)

[cooldude]

No. of times "I" is repeatin' clearly means*Self obessed*

[~*Radha*~]

Devilz Angel: Thanks for the advice, thats a big thing im worried abt... im scared he'll move on and ill be crushed. But as long as he's happy ill be fine. i guess this is more of a win win situation since we can find out if we really are meant to be together. Thanks for the reply!

Amrita: I totally agree, i just want to go out there n see that i really am not missing out on anything and that he really is the one for me. That would be ideal. but we'll see. idk how long im suppose to wait around tho?? years? months? everyone says it depends on me, but idk what that means lol. thanks for the advice!

candy ice: i really hope that i realize he is in face the ONE. I am now realizing how sad i am without him... :( thanks for replying!

cool dude: how am i self obsessed?? this forum is about gaining advice isn't it? lol. and if i was self obsessed i would be staying in the relationship because its convenient for ME and it makes ME happy lol. im thinking abt both our futures. but uh... thanks for the advice i guess?

[***Angelic Diva***]

so basically ur taking time-out 2 check out other options and
if none are gud enuff.. ull come bak 2 this guy... hoping he's still
waiting 4u...
now if we reverse this and instead of u..it was ur bf who was doing
this..and u were on the receiving end and had posted a topic here
telling us wat was going on... i wonder if every1 wud still b as
understanding as they are rite now?

having said that... i think u being honest wid him is a gud thing.. u were
up front abt hw u felt etc... lol but on the flip side if i was his friend id
tell him he was being treated like a door mat :s
no offense ment btw..

[~*Radha*~]

wow i havent thought abt it that way... but he agreed with what i was saying as well and thought he needed time alone also. Its not like we are going to go out an actively search for another partner lol. i just felt like we kind of needed time to discover our own selves. i felt i was losing my individuality. i guess like i need to learn how to be happy by myself and not depend on another person for my happiness. i had a revelation a few days ago lol. i dont even think ill truly be able to get over him because i love him so much, i just need to know that i can in fact be happy alone. i mean im 19 and in my second year of uni... this is the prime time for me to meet new people and experience new things. my ex knows that i love him and he knows my intentions aren't wrong. thanks for your point of view : ) i can see what u mean tho... i felt like such a cold-hearted person after reading ur post... but im sure my ex doesnt see it that way cuz he is actually doing the same thing.

[cooldude]

so basically ur taking time-out 2 check out other options and
if none are gud enuff.. ull come bak 2 this guy... hoping he's still
waiting 4u...
now if we reverse this and instead of u..it was ur bf who was doing
this..and u were on the receiving end and had posted a topic here
telling us wat was going on... i wonder if every1 wud still b as
understanding as they are rite now?

having said that... i think u being honest wid him is a gud thing.. u were
up front abt hw u felt etc... lol but on the flip side if i was his friend id
tell him he was being treated like a door mat :s
no offense ment btw..

Yeah and if she was bit smart she would know when I said her a SeLF obessed freak ,actually it meant all this lol...

[~*Radha*~]

wtf. you dont even know me...

[Devdasi]

I agree wiv whut a lot of ppl above... itz gud tht u were honest bout ur feelings
cause honesty is the core base for any relationship... but frm the sounds of it
he sounds like THE perfect guy... u'd b mad 2 let him go... Believe me therez
not much out there... Itz jus the idea tht seems gud, 2 find sum1 new n
experience tht feeling wen getting 2 know sum1 4 the first tym wen everything
is fun n light-hearted b4 it gets all serious n becomes a routine... no offence
but sounds like ur bored of him... well i guess this time alone wud help u 2
rediscover urself help u realise how imp he is 2u...
Anyways, All the best wiv whutever u decide 2 do... :cool:

[***Angelic Diva***]

wow i havent thought abt it that way... but he agreed with what i was saying as well and thought he needed time alone also. Its not like we are going to go out an actively search for another partner lol. i just felt like we kind of needed time to discover our own selves. i felt i was losing my individuality. i guess like i need to learn how to be happy by myself and not depend on another person for my happiness. i had a revelation a few days ago lol. i dont even think ill truly be able to get over him because i love him so much, i just need to know that i can in fact be happy alone. i mean im 19 and in my second year of uni... this is the prime time for me to meet new people and experience new things. my ex knows that i love him and he knows my intentions aren't wrong. thanks for your point of view : ) i can see what u mean tho... i felt like such a cold-hearted person after reading ur post... but im sure my ex doesnt see it that way cuz he is actually doing the same thing.

its in human nature 2 not b satisfied with wat we have.. the strive
4 more is always there... if tht wasnt the case.. more than half the
issues we have in our lives.. wudnt exist.. just a philosophical thought..

breakups happen cuz things r going ruff.. thts expected... but wen u
hear of sumthin nt working out cuz its going smooth.. theres a lil
surprise there... which kinda makes u think mayb perfection really
is boring.. as sum1 already said yea it does seem mayb ur bored.

my intention wasnt 2 make u feel like a cold-hearted person.. i was
jus sayin it hw i was seeing it.. i prolly came across harsh lol ... end
of day its ur life and u dnt have 2 explain urself 2 anyone here..
hopefully there wud b no regret and things work out the way u want...
all the best 2u =)

[SURTIGAL]

if he was good to u and u loved him nd he loved u why think about things just go with the flow take things at a tym who knows wat tomorrow holds just get bak together and be happy thats it no more worries doubts are the last thing u wanna do

[~*Radha*~]

yea you guys are right.... i was thinking abt that today actually. we've had a long dist. relationship for the past year and a half since i went off to college away frm home. that issue definitely doesnt help since i dont see him for months at a time. i guess maybe i have this feeling because we don't have that new spark anymore. which i guess is bound to happen with any long term/long dist relationship. i guess for most couples it happens after marriage lol. man.... i made a mistake, but i still want to see how we feel after we adjust to this whole break up thing. maybe he'll realize he doesnt want to be with me n wants someone else... then id be happy for him and let him go. i'll give it some time and then give him a call or something. thank you all so much for your opinions... they really helped alot!! i've been such a mess these past 2 weeks! <3

[candy~ice]

Devilz Angel: Thanks for the advice, thats a big thing im worried abt... im scared he'll move on and ill be crushed. But as long as he's happy ill be fine. i guess this is more of a win win situation since we can find out if we really are meant to be together. Thanks for the reply!

Amrita: I totally agree, i just want to go out there n see that i really am not missing out on anything and that he really is the one for me. That would be ideal. but we'll see. idk how long im suppose to wait around tho?? years? months? everyone says it depends on me, but idk what that means lol. thanks for the advice!

candy ice: i really hope that i realize he is in face the ONE. I am now realizing how sad i am without him... :( thanks for replying!

cool dude: how am i self obsessed?? this forum is about gaining advice isn't it? lol. and if i was self obsessed i would be staying in the relationship because its convenient for ME and it makes ME happy lol. im thinking abt both our futures. but uh... thanks for the advice i guess? np..maybe u feeling sad is a sign? but give it some time...good luck :)

[SURTIGAL]

these things happen 2 evryone but 1 day ull forget this all lyf carries on

[~*Radha*~]

yea... your right, when im older all this will seem like a blink of an eye. thanks!

[Hot NZ Guy]

Firstly I am surprised he took it soo well?? I guess your right that he prob was contemplating how the r/s was going therefore didnt chuck a fit like alot of guys do..
Well im not sure if he is being a tough guy who isnt showing his emotions or just really wants to get on with life..

Problem was you started dating him when you were around 16.. And its understandable you want to test the waters before you commit yourself.

All i can say is good you were honest with him. Make sure you chat to him when you get time. Dont let old emotions get in the way of your friendship and you never know what the future brings.. Like i say everything happens for a reason.

But if you do get into a new r/s plz dont let your old r/s get in the way.. I.e dont compare your new bf with old etc etc.. Coz you will prob hurt that guy and the r/s wont go smoothly.

All the best for what you do with your future.. Im sure there are lots of guys in uni and best to be friends first and take things further - best way to committing yourself to someone new...

[~*Radha*~]

point noted :) i know for sure that i dont want to date other ppl while i still love my ex. i couldnt bear to hurt someone like that. and yea my ex did take it well.... i think he knew that it was on my mind and stuff, so he was a bit prepared. he would always respect my decisions and feelings. ideally... i just want to clear my head of this doubt and get back together with him... cuz i really do miss him, and despite it being a month since we broke up, i still cry every night lol...And i still call him up sometimes when i need him as a friend to talk to... i still cry while im on the phone with him but i never let him know... it would just complicate things. i just keep thinking that it will all get better in time and it'll all work out in the end. i know that my ex needs this crucial time to himself as well to figure out his career and to apply to grad school and such. lol yea we were High school sweet hearts, i didnt think about the future when i was 16 years old.... i was so in love and i didnt stop to think about the fact that i was so committed at such a young age. gosh darn it... my parents were right once again. haha sry for the ramble :( i just have alot of feelings right now lol. thanks for the advice! ill remember it in the future :)

[candy~ice]

aww sweety really do hope everything works out xx

[*life full of dreamz*]

i think u shud go bak with him... you sooo lucky u got someone hu loves u so much, wat more do u need... 4 yrs r/s is heck of a long time... i tel u u wont b able to fgt him... not easy at all.... u makin ur life hard for urself... wen u got someone hu loves u soo much... in the future wat if u get sm1 hu isnt loyal o doesnt realy love u this much.. then its gona hurt u big tyme... dont loose wat u have... u dont get love agen n agen...
ppl die to be with ther loved one.. every1 doesnt get wat they want but u r gettin it dont loose it...
think abt it will u b able to fgt him....
at the end of the day its ur life.. but if i was in ur place i wudnt do that... couldnt leav some1 hu i loved so much...

[~*Radha*~]

i totally understand what you're saying... i know i wont be able to forget about him... and if all works as planned we will get back together. but i really need to be fine on my own right now. im focusing on my future... i need to stop depending on someone else for my happiness for the time being. i need to get over missing him and then i can get rid of this doubt i have a happily get back together without being hesitant. i talked to my ex and he's doing so well.... trying out new things and doing things with his friends that he just never thought of doing. i'm so incredibly happy for him. i've been doing the same to a lesser extent, since i still have alot of studying i need to do. I need to focus on my ambitions... like getting into medical school. i've been trying to do a lot in order to reach my goals.

but i have one more question for you guys... what kind of things help someone get over a break up? i've heard that people usually have a burst of enlightenment after going thru a rough time. i know some people say reading helps and going out with friends etc. my break from school is coming up and i want to take advantage of it in order to just let free and be happy. i've been sad for a while now, and frankly im tired of it... i broke up with him for a reason so i should use this time for me. when im content with myself... only then can i make a decision about being content with another person. my roommates have been helping me come up with a list of things to do... so i was just wondering if u have any other ideas... this can help anyone whose simply going through a rough time! :)

[•Amrita•]

I think you just have this idea or doubt in ur mind that u can't be free or do the things u love while being in a r/s with this guy? cud it be for real or just a misconception u've placed in ur head, bc maybe u guys dont do anything spontaneous or fun? sometimes wen ur in a r/s for that long, things can get boring and become a routine, and being with someone is just like an everyday thing, and u dont really know if ur there bc u wanna be, or if u haven't really imagined ur life any other way.. its good to see u guys r doing things u have never done b4 and that ur both doing good, but sooner or later u'll probably find urself bac in a r/s, be it bac with him or with someone else.. but the point is, u have to actually figure out why u don't feel like u can do things with ur partner. yes individuality is important, but ur partner shud be someone who doesn't make u feel like u can't be independent, maybe the problem is just that u guys spend too much time together wen u r with him, and u dont get to meet new ppl (can just be friends to hang out with). i faced the same problem bc me and my bf were together like every waking hour, and wen i went away to uni, i found out that there was this whole other world that i had been missing.. we had our share of fites and hard times, but the point is that being in a r/s shouldnt stop u from exploring, if ur bf doesnt allow it, then maybe u shud reconsider the r/s ur in, but it seems like he does understand u, and it also seems like u gave up something that was going good for u.. maybe it's just so u wont regret, but if he ever did meet someone else, wud u feel the same way then? or wud letting him go turn in an even bigger regret? just something to think about.

[~*BW PriNCeSS*~]

well i would say go shopping if u have money
n try to hang out with frenz as much as u can
n dont let urself get bothered by re-thinking
about what you did was right or wrong...
so pretty much try to keep urself active
by doing things you like, figure out ur hobbies
something u would like to do on side along
with ur carrier... make urself fall into love with
other things in life... it doesnt necessarily have
to be a person... it could be things, activity
or even a hobby... ok i am gonna stop now
cuz maybe i think i dont make any sense....but
hope whtever u can make sense out of helps :p

[~*Radha*~]

Amrita: yea... i totally understand what you're saying... i need to figure out why i feel like i can't fully be myself when im with him. the weird thing is i never really got to spend much time with him... we never really got to do normal things that couples do... which is kinda surprising... i had family obligations and such that kept me frm spending alot of time with him. also we went off to different colleges (i lived far away frm home). this past summer we decided to explore our relationship since i was home for summer vacation... however, it didnt go too well lol... things just dont always go the way you planned. i noticed we kinda drifted apart after going off to college. i know as of right now, i would be really heartbroken if he found another grl... and it will hurt in the future regardless... but if she makes him happy and why should i mind? i know its easier said than done lol... but i think it'll work itself out in the end. we both just need to figure out what exactly we want frm life and frm a partner. Thanks for the advice :)

BW Princess: yea thats exactly what i was thinking! i should start paying attention to the little things in life that make me happy. I realized that those small things are really what make life worthwhile. Im getting alot of books and im learning to play the guitar. i started working out and dancing. those are the things that make me feel happy that i completely forgot about. shopping is definitely a plus!! :) Thanks!!

[Muzi]

(I'm a sarcastic and a harsh guy)

Wait...so you love him a lot and care for him for 4 years and you guys are having an absolutely healthy relationship but somehow you have doubts if he's the perfect one?

Your relationship: In the past 4 years you guys have done things like walking on the phone all night long, going to dinners, arguing over something and then laughed over it later, have watched tv shows together, go to cinema together etc etc and may be u guys had arguments that made u cry damn hard but still worked through it (No I'm not asking if all this happened I know all this did happen).

Then you guys also sat one day and talked about ur relationship in general and may be he didn't like the talk at start (as most guys don't) but then he came around and you guys worked things out yet again.

Then theres the b-day part you guys know each other so damn well that u remember each others b-day every year and get each other literally the perfect gifts.

Then there are friends you both have in common and you both get along well with them and if any of 'em says anything to any of you guys then u vouch for each other.

etc etc

In my opinion you having the most stupid and ridicolous doubts!

[*funkar*]

Hey guys... im really torn on this issue concerning my long term boyfriend of 4 years. I was wondering if you all could please offer me any advice since i really am clueless as to what to do.
First of all, i had been in a very happy relationship with him for the past 4 years... he loves and cares for me so incredibly much and i love him as well. However, he was my first boyfriend and i was his first girlfriend. For the past 6 months of so i had been having doubts as to whether he is the one for me. I really didn't even remember what it felt like to be single anymore. I felt like if i did end up marrying this guy, i would always have this doubt as to whether or not he was the perfect guy for me since i hadn't seen or met any other guys really. Lately, this doubt had been preoccupying my mind and i saw that it started to have an effect on my relationship as a whole. Sadly, I just broke up with him less than a week ago since i felt cruel to stay in this relationship with these doubts in my mind. He completely understood my point of view and we decided to still talk and be best friends. We made it clear that it is still possible to get back together in the future.
Now the question is: did i do the right thing? i feel rather stupid for leaving a perfectly good relationship with an amazing guy that i love and cherish. however, i also felt like if i didn't relieve myself of this doubt, it would eventually ruin the relationship anyways. We both do still love and care for each other despite the break up.
After breaking up with him, i feel so sad at times and get so tempted to just call him and get back together with him... however i feel like the doubt would eventually just come up again. Im so torn, i don't know what to do.:confused: please feel free to offer me any advice you think is appropriate! thanks!


so sad to read your above,
break up with your 4 years love affiar,with your b/f !
well as you know, as you being
fully matured enough..\but you don't know
once Doubt has occured in you mind,
there is no End to it! That drives mad to any one, not only you, Radha !
if some one has said any thing bout your b/f. just
ignore,, who says what ?
you make your own Judgement !
Think of your self, judge your self !as you know your b/f, past 4 years and over by now...
when you both are Normal, sit to-gether,and sort out differences...
and both make up your mind.
Just a thought.. if your mind is clean and clear of him,
you should not have any doubt, what so ever on
him !
I would like to ask you : Radha !
How come all of a sudden, after 4 Years, of happiness in Relations, this Question of Doubt occer to you or any one told you any thing bout your relation with him?
If its a Doubt,it's endless , there no end to it.Only due to Doubt, many has ruined their lively happy life.
Think it over, reconsider your self.. and
Re-Unite both of your self..
Be Happy with Grace of God.Radha !!! :)